


Tomorrow will be my last today

by Anonymous



Category: Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, Mentioned DumbDog, Mentioned Floris | Fundy, Mentioned Hafu, Mentioned Mentioned Hafu Lobby, Mentioned Steven Suptic, More characters will show up as story progresses, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-15
Updated: 2021-02-25
Packaged: 2021-03-17 01:41:43
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,049
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29463681
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: He couldn't help but think that something was wrong with him, that he was broken in pieces. Not a depressed type of broken or the type of broken you feel after you get a 90 on a test. It's the type of broken that makes you feel inhuman, less than a person. The type of broken that makes you question your existence and the validity of yourself, of your humanity. He didn't have a weird hair colour or an extra finger or limb. He didn't have one eye or five feet, he just didn't feel.
Comments: 14
Kudos: 41
Collections: Anonymous





	1. The beginning

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger Warning for Suicidal Ideation, Suicidal Thoughts, Mentions/Hintings of depression, dissociation, Suicide attempts and accidental self-harm. Stay safe and get some help when you need to.

He couldn't help but think that something was wrong with him, that he was broken in pieces. Not a depressed type of broken or the type of broken you feel after you get a 90 on a test. It's the type of broken that makes you feel inhuman, less than a person. The type of broken that makes you question your existence and the validity of yourself, of your humanity. He didn't have a weird hair colour or an extra finger or limb. He didn't have one eye or five feet, he just didn't feel.

Now don't get him wrong, he can feel happiness and sadness! He can, he really can! It's just not as prominent, he feels like he's stuck in a void of emotionlessness with a sprinkling of happiness every blue moon. People are supposed to feel, to be prideful and to cry, to want more and seek happiness for the upcoming future. But, he doesn't feel any of that. He doesn't feel happy when something goes his way, he doesn't cry when an animal dies, he doesn't feel prideful or smug when something risky he does works out. 

Humans are supposed to feel, to breathe air and to feel thankful because they can, but he doesn't, so can he really call himself human? Is he really a human if he can't feel emotion like one? Is his humanity broken into pieces and the validity of himself torn to shreds?

Maybe he does feel emotions, maybe they're just masked behind false apathy. Sometimes he feels the faint brush of happiness when something goes right, but only a faint bit of it. Maybe it's all a front he's put up for too long? Maybe the emotions are covered up with apathy so strong that it's consumed him? 

Some days he doesn't remember much, he feels like someone else is controlling him. The things coming out of his mouth are things he can't control. He's watching himself do something but he doesn't have the energy to try and stop whatever force is pushing him to the back of his mind, not that he even could if he tried. 

Some days he feels like a side character in his own life. Sure he's done some amazing things but he never feels the pride of happiness from them and those around him are doing the same. They seem to be doing it ten times faster. He feels like; maybe if he disappeared not a lot would be lost in this world.

Perhaps he could take a day off? Everything seemed like too much recently and he feels like everyone could tell. They seemed to be treating him like glass that would break at any moment. They also treated him like the strongest thing ever, something that could withstand the wrath of a thousand suns. He wonders when he became an object in people's minds. ~~_He wonders when he became an it in his._~~

His friends seemed concerned, not a lot but noticeably enough that he knew he needed to start faking everything. It was the simple "You can take a break if you need to!" from Hafu, the worry filled "Bro I'm not trying to get in your business or anything but you've seemed a bit off, you know what I'm saying?" from DK, the subtle questioning from Wolfabelle and the decreased amount of friendly fire from Steve that started the mask. He ponders on if he should've put it on sooner.

The questions and worry stopped, why would they even be concerned over the less than human associate they stream with? ~~_he knew in the back of his mind they were still concerned, even more so than before._~~

It was another one of those days he couldn't dare to bring himself out of bed, he knew this would cause him to miss the morning lobby but he felt so tired. The bone deep tiredness that couldn't be helped with rest or sleeping pills. It was the tiredness that warped your already screwed up mind. He feels like any ability to feel was stripped, everything was numb. His mind was empty and he couldn't find anything in him to care. He tightened his fist into a ball, drawing blood from crescent shaped indents in his palms. He couldn't feel it, he couldn't find it in himself to care either.

Those days seemed to come up more and more, he wanted nothing more than for it to stop. He wanted everything to stop. He wanted to take a knife to his throat or a gun to his head so he could feel something. Happiness? Regret? Sadness? He doesn't know, all he knows is he wants it to stop but he also wants to feel something before he goes. He wants to see beautiful crimson painting his walls or floor, he wants to feel satisfied, he wants to feel scared about his fantasised death, but he feels nothing but numbness consuming his heart. 

He has a plan. Tomorrow will be his last today, his last laugh, his last game. His last text to Fundy, his last game with Dumbdog and Aipha. It will be his last talk with Tubbo and his last stream for thousands of fans. He feels a pit in his stomach and a slight bit of excitement, it seems like this is the way to go. It will be his last crewmate streak with Peter, it will be his last imposter game with Toast trying to catch him. Tomorrow will be a day or endings, tomorrow will be the last page in a story book.


	2. very important an

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I just want your opinions

This was originally gonna be a vent fic but I realised vent through projection isn't very healthy, and it's not really fair to the person i vent onto, as they don't give actual consent to this. I don't know if 5up is okay with this type of stuff and I don't want to cross any boundaries. That being said, if he says he is uncomfortable with this type of writing, I will delete this! I just want to know your opinion on if it is fair/fine to continue or not, and if not should I keep it up but discontinued or delete it all together?   
I really hope you guys stay safe   
~ author dude


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